My Stuttering Heart


I wrote a post last week about how hard a local teenager’s suicide hit me, what I didn’t expect was how my world would fall apart just a few days later.

There are no names to be shared, only a story of my heart racing and my inability to cope as a child’s world was so painful, that after her friend’s viewing, she felt that the only way to cope with it was an attempt on her own life.

Her mother is probably one of the strongest people that I know right now, because I would never be able to get back up and keep moving forward like she has.  

The whole thing got me thinking…  I was, at one time, a teenager that contemplated suicide.  I don’t even really remember why I decided not to.  All I know is that choosing to live has brought me a wonderful life.

It took time.  I had a shitty Ex who beat me, cheated on me, and threatened to destroy my world.

I had a crappy job and couldn’t always make ends meet.

I have had shit happen.  I have never gone back to that suicidal frame of mind.

I wish I could remember what in the world I did, or what influenced my decision to keep on moving, but all I can say, is that I am so glad I did.

I have a husband that loves me, and loves to annoy me, and then kiss me until I am no longer ready to throttle him.

I have two boys who have to have every ounce of my attention every minute of every day.  Two boys who require hugs every time they see me, just because they want them.  Two boys who have dreams bigger than the world and the ambition to get themselves there.

My world is hard.  I don’t always like it, but I still love where it has brought me.


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